You Look A Lot Like My First Girlfriend

Last week on Nobody Scissors: I got my first taste of the games girls like to play and oh yeah, Shmary has a girlfriend.

It took me much longer than I would like to admit to have the self-respect necessary to tell Shmary I wasn’t gonna be her side-chick anymore. I mean she was wicked hot and I was awkward as hell, so this seemed like as good as it might get for me. We continued our sneaking around for some time, but her girlfriend seemed to be going nowhere. The girlfriend went to another school in our district notorious for being full of lesbians…. I imagined that the intercoms played nothing but Tegan and Sara in between classes, their mascot was Sappho, the substitute teachers played the L word on movie days, and they probably were fully educated in their sex-ed classes on where to find the clitoris. Looking back I realize that “full of lesbians” back then in Central Texas probably just meant they had more than one out lesbian walking their halls, but to my over-imaginative mind that school was like the Isle of Lesbos (and I kinda wanted an invite).

*Theme music and opening credits play*

Our “romance” fizzled out, and by that I mean we kept flirting and touching and laying all over each other but we stopped kissing. l know! Bummer. I was starting to think I would be forever alone, being that I was 16-years-old and I hadn’t even touched a boob yet! (I had touched a penis once but that’s a whole other story, and not nearly as exciting. I mean, handjobs are the worst, I think we can ALL agree on that one).

But then out of nowhere a new girl was right under my nose! And by that I mean she literally sat in front of me in my junior English Class. She had curly hair, freckles, the body of a greek god, and always smelled like chlorine. Her name was Shmashley and she was even more awkward than me, but kind of hot in her own way (Courtney pipes in: eh…. debatable). She also was really smart, but not in a sexy way, more so in a “I’m gonna talk down to you and make you feel like you’re an idiot and know nothing about anything sort of way.” (Courtney chimes in again: yea, she’s the worst) I’m not really sure, maybe I was into that whole mean-hot thing back then, maybe I was just clueless. Anyway she held my hand one day during a movie in that English class and suddenly we were dating. That’s how it works right?

Except not really, I mean I wasn’t that lame. We hung out in the varsity locker room a lot, talked about sports, books, and most importantly music. The first time we ever went on a date was to this terrible dive bar that doubled as a music venue to see a couple of bands we both liked. There was a mosh pit (I hate those) and alcohol (we couldn’t drink) and Shmashley was sick as a dog so she was sweating all over me (yum). However the highlight of the show was that one of the songs sang about a “Shmashley” and I sang to her (poorly) which I guess she thought was cute and asked me if I was going to ask her out already.

Fast forward a couple weeks and we are dating, and hanging out in the backseat of her Kia Rio in our high school parking lot. It was at least 175 degrees inside the car, and there was enough room for a teacup poodle to stretch out semi-comfortably in the back seat. We had 30 minutes of our 45 minute lunch break left so this is exactly as sexy as it sounds. This was it, the moment I was going to lose my virginity. I had never seen a vagina before (okay, I had seen my own, and I had googled a bit, but I had never seen a REAL LIVE vagina before) and I didn’t know what to do with my hands. I just started low-fiving her between the legs and surprisingly that didn’t really do it for her. However, after some momentary nervous fumbling I found my rhythm like the gynecological genius that I was born to be.

28 minutes later we were red-faced and panting, sprinting to our next period class smelling vaguely like sweat, sex, and chlorine. When I walked into the classroom and locked eyes with Courtney I knew I wouldn’t be able to hide in the closet from her for long, we shared a room after all *throws quarter in dad joke jar.*

*Tune in next time for my gay-twin is kinda homophobic?*


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