Wingardium Lesbianosa


Last week on Nobody Scissors: Me and Shmashley started dating and I finally did the sex (no we didn’t scissor).

I kept my relationship with Shmashley a secret for as along as possible. By this I mean, I didn’t outright tell anyone that I was in a lesbian relationship but everybody knew because I was a flaming homosexual before I was even a homosexual. It might have taken me a few years to morph into a my final form, but I was gay as the day is long (Courtney was responsible for putting a funny joke here and failed miserably).

Courtney started getting suspicious about my new relationship from the very beginning. I could be seen constantly on my phone, always running late to class while walking close enough to touch hands with Shmashley but never actually held hands, and we even sometimes stuck our hands in each other’s pants in the back of our comparative religion class when the lights were off (I might have been saying Jesus’ name a lot under my breath during those days). You’ll soon find out that public sex will become something of a favorite of mine in later years *sorry mom*.

*Theme music and opening credits play*

When I finally came out and told Courtney (no pun intended) about my relationship she was incredibly hateful. I mean not like Westboro Baptist Church hateful but like normal Baptist Church hateful, not like Satan himself hateful, but like the rude guy at the coat check in Hell hateful. Courtney’s general distaste for “the whole gay thing” was either because she was extremely closeted herself or due to the fact that she outright hated Shmashley’s pretentious guts–maybe even a combination of those two facts, but whatever the reason was, it was devastating. Honestly, Courtney fucking hated Shmashley, she made Voldemort’s hatred of Harry Potter look like a fairy tale best friendship.

It should be noted that Shmashley’s parents were incredibly homophobic and she was committed to two-a-day practices for swim team so our time really was terribly limited. Things continued in this tension-filled homophobic limbo for a couple months with Courtney and our best friend at the time ignoring me while I continued to sneak around in the entirely too compact backseat of a hotter than hell Kia for some quality lesbian time.(Who fucking owns a Kia anyway??) Is this what being gay was like? Was I setting myself up for a lifetime and hatred and ostracization? (uh, well, kinda).

Ironically it turned out that most of my twin’s resentment toward my relationship was pent up frustration in that she was indeed in the closet herself, and once she found a girlfriend her opinion changed drastically (getting laid will do that to a person). Courtney was just a slightly slower bloomer when it came to coming into her own gayness, but not too far behind since it only took her two months to start dating her first girlfriend after me. Luckily for me, Courtney wasn’t too proud to apologize and see the error of her ways. Or maybe she just couldn’t stand being that much of a hypocrite. Either way, things got better (even though Courtney still really fucking hated Shmashley).  I no longer had to live in the closet when it came to my twin sister since we were now occupying that space together and boy was it cramped.

*Tune in next time for (possibly) the most anticlimactic coming out of all time*


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