The One That Got Away

FTC

So Shmashley 1 and I broke up. I don’t even think there’s an eventful story to it, it just happened one day. We were skyping as per usual on any given evening (also Courtney and Shmellen were in the room, even though they were broken up…Lesbians, am I right?) and Shmashley was bitching about the impending out of town rugby game that coming weekend. Shmellen didn’t particularly like Shmashley and her constant need to control my life so she started to fervently make jacking off motions towards the computer screen from across the room. Picture that, if you can, my sister and her now ex-girlfriend sitting on a twin sized dorm bed, laughing while one of them rapidly jerked off her imaginary penis. Needless to say, Shmashley did not appreciate my stifled giggling and lack of attention to the “serious” conversation at hand.

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via GIPHY

Whether it be from my actions (which were Shmellen’s fault) or for some other reason, Shmashley suddenly burst out and said:

“I have something serious to tell you…”

Cue Courtney and Shmellen making like trees and leaves…nope, that didn’t quite work. I’ll workshop it.

“I’m not in love with you anymore.”

Now what is the proper response to that? I don’t know what one is supposed to say when their partner says they’re not in love you anymore.

Thanks?
Ditto?
Well I’m rubber, you’re glue, whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you?

*Theme music and opening credits play*

Once we were broken up I basically went… ape shit… to put it lightly.

I was living in my first apartment at the time, I was a part of the gayest group of gays that ever gayed (the Women’s Rugby Team), and I was 19 which is a time when you’re really not aware of your alcohol tolerance and yet never seem to get hungover. These were brilliant times.

I remember a particular incident in which me and Shmellen were hanging out and drinking. We both were crushing on girls on our rugby team, Shmellen had her eyes on the tall and athletic Shmillary who was generally regarded as the catch of our team. She was freckly, kind, super fit, and could knock the shit out of you on a rugby field (what everyone looks for in a girl, am I right?). Shmillary was like an exotic hot giraffe that might also kick you in the face with her hoof, but you would let her and then you would let her hold you in her strong arms afterwards.

I on the other hand decided to crush on Shmartina. Shmartina was a mothafuckin MILF — except she wasn’t a mom and she was 23. But she helped us coin the phrase “mom hot” (not to be confused with “hot mom”) when describing someone who looks like they could be a hot mom that you would want to bring you orange slices after a soccer game and maybe let you eat them off of her boobs in that mini van of hers. Actually, looking back, Shmartina did have a very family-friendly, 4-door SUV that got excellent gas mileage. She was also one of two and a half semi-straight girls on our team. I say semi-straight because she had told us of a previous almost-relationship (the weirdest type of relationship to have. Like, I almost dated her. I almost adopted a chinchilla with her. I almost gave that bitch my letterman but then I thought: nah.) with a former teammate of hers at another college. Of course I pick the girl who wasn’t really gay, it turned out that this almost-relationship of hers had been more of a typical college roommate experiment. And it double turns out that I really had almost no chance at winning her heart, but was I going to give it my all, dammit.

Anyway, Shmellen and I drunkenly decided that we would pursue these two girls but if we didn’t end up with them that we would then instead be friends with benefits. One of my finest ideas.

Like hey Chris, you know what wouldn’t hurt anyone’s feelings? If you decided to be friends with benefits with your twin sister’s very recent ex-girlfriend. Great idea. You’re the best. Keep doing what you’re doing. Don’t change a thing. This is not a bad idea at all. (In the scheme of things, it is actually not the worst idea that I’ve ever had).

Luckily Shmellen’s game was on point and she ended up dating Shmillary, whereas Shmartina went down in history as the only woman to ever outright turn me down. She was my one that got away, my French Toast Crunch that I’ll never be able to eat again because those monsters at General Mills took my one true love away from me.

*Next Time on Nobody Scissors we’ll see my first hookup as a newly single lesbian* 

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It’s My Party, You Can Sleep On The Couch if I Tell You To

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I woke up the day after Valentine’s Day feeling like shit, emotionally and hungoverly. My girlfriend Shmashley was gushing about what a good partner I was for making sure she had gotten some sweet gifts on VDAY, and I’m living with the reality that though I had gone into the day satisfying one Shmashley, I had gone to bed satisfying another (it was one way satisfaction b-t-dubs; no reciprocation, that would come MONTHS later. *i’m not bitter*).

About 3 pukes into the day later I decided that it was time to own up to (some of) my choices from the previous night. Via skype I admitted to Shmashley 1 that I had made out with Shamshley 2 on Valentine’s Night. Now, that wasn’t the whole truth but it did get some of the guilt off of my conscience. Somehow my girlfriend Shmashley didn’t break up with me over this apparent budding attraction between my roommate and I (come to find out much later that it was probably because she was also cheating on with me some blonde from the soccer team at her University). This was the first time that I learned about a little thing called “lying by omission” and I also learned that lying through a computer screen is a lot easier (and safer) than lying straight to a girl’s face. I also learned that I was an asshole, so there’s that.

*Theme music and opening credits play*

 

Fast forward a couple months to the next eventful thing I can think of which is Shmashley 2’s 20th birthday, which also coincided with the end of Freshman year and us throwing her a huge surprise party. The party was actually a “reverse surprise party”, where we invited Shmashley 2 over to our friend’s apartment and we were all having dinner and about 10 minutes into the dinner 50 or so people rushed into the apartment and she was surprised as hell. It was actually a pretty cool idea, props to us.

That night was an eventful one. The apartment we were at belonged to a guy that Shmashley 2 was sleeping with, but that her parents wouldn’t allow her to date because well… they were racist assholes. Additionally, Shmashley 2 and I were still hooking up, so this guy wasn’t so cool with me (aka he was really jealous and intimidated). This was also the first night the Shmoebe was going to be hanging out with this dude, let’s call him Shmott, that she had a bit of a crush on, and we were all crossing our fingers that they would finally touch mouths.

The party was bumping (people say that right?) I was out on the balcony placating my long-distance girlfriend, Shmashley (don’t worry, spoiler– we break up after the Summer, thank god), when birthday girl Shmashley 2 came out with shots in hand. We took the shots and I held the phone away from my face, made some excuse about losing service, hung up and proceeded to make out with the birthday girl like any gracious friend would do. IT WAS HER BIRTHDAY AFTER ALL. This was instantly followed up by her guy friend coming out the door and basically grabbing her away from me and bodying me up. Now to give you a visual, at the time of this event I was about 120 pounds soaking wet, 5’5″, and though somewhat masculine, I was still very much female-identifying and this guy was 6’3″, a black belt in taekwondo, and very much a dude that shouldn’t have been trying to fight a girl. Anyway, he tried to fight me, I dodged that as quickly as I could and went to grab a beer–fast forward a couple years and throw some testosterone into the mix and this night would definitely have gone a lot differently, and a lot bloodier (for me…not him, obvi, I’m still tiny). Shmashley 2 didn’t help my case when she told him that I would be staying the night and he could sleep on the couch, in his own apartment. Oh, the way I have with the ladies. Yikes.

When I look up from this drama I realize that Courtney has disappeared. I have no idea where she could have gone but I had noticed that earlier in the evening her now-ex Shmellen had showed up for a brief visit before leaving to meet up with a tinder date (or whatever we had that was like tinder back in 2011… plenty of fish? ok cupid? tumblr?). This left Courtney less than thrilled and looking for more alcohol and bad choices — in retrospect, these were red flags that I should have paid more attention to.

I noticed then that Courtney came out of the back bedroom with a man. My lesbian twin sister, came out sweaty and half clothed, sex hair like you wouldn’t believe, followed by the biggest blackest rugby player you could imagine. Like you literally could not have picked more of a MAN for my lesbian sister to make this decision with…the juxtaposition was astonishing.

She could hardly formulate a sentence and when I tried to discuss with her the potential mistake she had made, it turned into a bit of a screaming match. Then I turned on the dude… not saying it wasn’t consensual, not saying I know anything about what happened in that room, but I do know that my sister couldn’t walk a straight line and he was walking fine and my big brother senses were ringing off the hook. Again, mind you, I’m a tiny little thing, and he was built like an NFL linebacker. I got into his face enough to satisfy my brotherliness before turning on Courtney and continuing to lay into her for her less than stellar life choices (honestly, who am I to judge this? Looking back, that was a bit of the pot calling the kettle black, but oh well).

Courtney stormed from the apartment and all of a sudden the end of the year/birthday party had taken a turn in an uncomfortable direction and deflating the room. As Shmashley 2 and I trail after her, Shmoebe pulls away from sucking face with Shmott.

“Guys! We finally made out! Look!” She yelled, pointing to a grinning Shmott in the most adorable way possible.
“Yeah, well, Courtney fucked a dude, so.” Shmashley 2 said I don’t know if there’s ever been a better ending sentence to a party spoken ever in the history of Earth.

*Next Time on Nobody Scissors I’m finally single, the moment we’ve all been waiting for*