It should be noted that this was around the time that I chopped my hair off. I looked like the biebs and I had never felt hotter. Women had also never been more into me. It’s like I cut my hair off and suddenly became crack to lesbians. I’m not even exaggerating. Not only was the Bieber thing all the rage with the ladies, but I was finally starting to feel good about how I looked. More often than not, your attractiveness to others has a direct correlation to your own confidence and how you carry yourself. These initial steps into my own were the proverbial first flight out of the nest by a young, androgynous, baby bird. Little did I know that “The Bieber Swoosh™” wouldn’t be my final form (thank God) — there was only up from here.
*Theme music and opening credits play*
This makes my next hookup/relationship/whatever the hell it was even more confusing. To be honest Courtney had ridiculed me for being shallow (kinda weird seeing as my first girlfriend wasn’t exactly arm candy. She was like arm-sugar-free-breathmint-that-your-grandma-pulls-out-of-the-bottom-of-her-purse-in-church). Besides that my taste in women consisted entirely of the posts on my walls of Kristen Stewart and Abby Wambach, as I was just newly single and hadn’t yet tried out my powers of persuasion on the small pool of Central Texas Lesbians I was soon to dive into.
Anyway, I took this comment to heart and decided that maybe I should get to know someone based on their personality more so than just their physical traits, and give them a chance even if there was no initial attraction. I ended up trying this out with several women, and though it may be a good theory on paper (not really a good theory at all actually), if you are not attracted on even a base level you can only take that so far and you seem even more like a dick when you’re not wanting to jump that person’s bones further down the road.
Shmanielle looked exactly like Rosie O’Donnel, which isn’t exactly anyone’s Celesbian dream crush. I had to change Shmanielle’s name for privacy’s sake but it should be known she had the same name as my twin so I never EVER moaned her name in bed.
Based on personality alone this girl was pretty perf, we had tons in common. She was older than me (basically a requirement for me when it comes to interest in a person). We met on tumblr (the tinder of that era) and she was a student teacher at my old high school, training to be a PE coach, the gayest teaching position imaginable.
One time I went to visit her at work, while kids pummeled each other with dodgeballs. The pubescent gremlins couldn’t quite figure me out and kept sing-songing at their coach asking if I was her boyfriend or girlfriend. After several minutes a few 14-year-old girls came over to me and made me incredibly uncomfortable by telling me I was cute (Bieber swag, holla). I skulked away into my old stomping grounds that was the women’s locker room and waited until she met me after class.
I joked that old memories were resurfacing, seeing as this was the locker room of many a hookup with Shmashley 1. We didn’t hook up that day, or for many dates after that, probably due to my lack of attraction.
Let me tell you there are few things more awkward than knowing someone is VERY into you and you can hardly feign a sexy smirk in their direction. Literally the only things I can think of that are more awkward are: Having sex with someone who tries to bust out rubber gloves in a non-Grey’s-Anatomy roleplay situation (true story), looking for something in your parents’ room and finding not one buy FIVE vibrators (also a true story), and having your mother throw you a “period party” when you and your twin sister hit puberty and start your periods (you decide if that’s a true story).
Now this is nothing against this girl, at all. She was great. A coach, funny as hell (she dressed as Megan from Bridesmaids for Halloween and KILLED it), a former rugby player and swimmer (hot combo), had fantastic taste in music, great taste in bad scary movies (one of my fave genres), and she played the guitar for me once and sang me some love song I really liked (I have only ever had one person play the guitar for me to this day and it was her). Oh! Also she rapped Underground Kings by Drake to me and that was the turning point for when I actually was pretty turned on, I mean, something about a white girl from a private college spitting rhymes at me really got my juices flowing (who talks like that??).
A defining thing about this relationship (it wasn’t really a relationship but what else do you call like casually dating a person in the past?) was that she was the first person I ever kissed who had a tongue ring and I was totally into. Also she was the first person to ever kiss/lick/tongue my ears and holy god is that the most amazing feeling ever. Thanks Shmanielle.
*Next Time on Nobody Scissors let’s talk about someone besides me for once*