Occasionally (by “occasionally” I mean very rarely) things happen in the lives of the people around me that are more of a shitshow than my own life. When these things happen I love to sit back and enjoy the ride. All of my friends know that I’m the type of person that will never judge them for their decisions, and will probably have some word of advice based on my own previous mistakes to lend to them in their time of need. They also know that I just love a first row seat to whatever drama is going on as long as I’m not the center of it.
Around this time where I was single and mingling, Courtney was also single for a millisecond or two. Courtney is a serial monogamist, she’s seen the beautiful ray of light that is single-dom for about a collective 48 hours in the last 5 years, so this was a pretty rare thing. Now, this time around Courtney was really heartbroken and completely dead-set on being single. She had even possibly made a declaration swearing off of women (yeah, we didn’t believe that one either). We were at a lacrosse game because gay, and this blonde in the bleachers near us kept making eyes at Courtney who was about as clueless as the girls from Clueless. When we were done watching the lady gays run around and hit each other with sticks (lacrosse is a weird sport), we headed back to our apartment.
Courtney gets a facebook message almost the minute she walked through our front door, from someone she didn’t know. As she pulled up their profile she turned to us and asked if the girl looked at all familiar — I rolled my eyes and informed her of the not-so-subtle-checking-out that was going down at the game.
*Theme music and opening credits play*
Message: Hi! I saw you at the lacrosse game where I was watching my ex-gf play *anyone else’s alarms going off? no? just me? okay* and couldn’t help but notice how hot you were, and was wondering if you wanted to go out sometime. Maybe adopt a cat? Who, knows. (Maybe she didn’t say the cat part, I could be embellishing here, but you never know with lesbians!)
Okay so that is some next level stalking considering we had no mutual friends with this girl. We found out later she had found a girl who knew a girl that we played rugby with then had scanned our group pictures and found Courtney’s profile that way. Major sleuthing skills, Harriet the Spy.
Before I knew it Courtney and let’s call her Shmarriet had a date the following evening. They agreed to hit up the dollar theatre in our college town and watch the final installment of Harry Potter (nice going, Shmarriet! She could not have played that more perfectly). Well, I wasn’t on that date but I did drop Courtney off and tell her to text me when she needed a ride home or an escape plan. I’m not going to say I was waiting around our apartment like an over-protective father , but I was. I’m also not going to say that Courtney didn’t come home that night because what kind of girl do you think she is?? But she didn’t come home that night and I didn’t see her ass until our 8am class the next morning when she walk-of-shamed her way into the room looking like she hadn’t slept at all the night before. I will give her this: she was responsible in her skankiness. Just kidding, I’m not going to slut-shame anyone here. But kudos to Courtney for making it to that God forsaken morning class after not-scissoring a new lady friend all night long.
This whirlwind romance with Shmarriet kicked into fourth gear from day one — the next thing I knew, Shmarriet was practically moved into our place and her and Courtney were attached at the hip. Nice going on the whole “single” thing there, twin. Now, this type of thing is a cliche in the lesbian world; “uhauling” is something we all joke about but it’s a very real epidemic and I witnessed it first hand with these two. Even though I was annoyed at Courtney’s lack of commitment to the single life that I was so accustomed to, Shmarriet seemed like a good time. She fooled us all into thinking that she was this happy-go-lucky blonde bombshell who didn’t have a care in the world, the type of girl whose theme song might be “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” but not in an ironic way. And, boy, this girl did just want to have fun but she was also batshit crazy. Which, to some people, might also be fun. When you aren’t dating said crazy person that shit is entertaining and mostly fun to be around especially when it leads to some insane, possibly illegal, adventure.
One night, Shmarriet got the hair-brained idea that we should go teach Shmellen a lesson for breaking Courtney’s heart. How would we do that, you ask? Well, we would go spend an inordinate amount of money on feminine hygiene products and stick them all over Shmellen’s trusty steed, El Grande Rojo. First of all: Why the hell are pads so expensive? I would go onto a rant about pink taxes and hygiene product necessities, but I don’t want to kill anyone’s buzz — but COME ON. Second of all: We did not realize the amount of work it took to remove pads (there were also condoms) from the exterior of a vehicle nor the extent of the damage that the little bit of adhesive could do. So, Shmellen, if you’re reading this: I’m sorry. We’re all sorry. Grande Rojo deserved better.
*Next Time on Nobody Scissors I don’t know the meaning of “don’t shit where you eat”*