The end of Shmarriet came about as quick as the beginning. One day Courtney and her were lounging around in Courtney’s bedroom and Shmellen came home with our roommate after some tae kwon do class they had together. She burst into Courtney’s room and found Shmarriet on top of Courtney, and her response was to walk up extend her hand and confidently say, “Hi I’m Shmellen, I’m sure you’ve heard all about me.” Before turning around and leaving in a blur of self-confident cattiness.
Shmarriet scurried from our apartment like one of those creepy people in those scary movies who crab walk on the ceiling (yikes) and I don’t think I ever saw her again. From what I’ve gathered from social media she is back with her ex girlfriend (remember the one who was on the lacrosse team? yeah, I called that one). Courtney, not going to say that you dodged a bullet there, but you dodged a bullet there.
*Theme music and opening credits play*
I was still enjoying the life that was singledom, I had stopped seeing Shmanielle, as things just weren’t clicking with us and her having the same name as my sister was just fucking weird, okay?? I was living it up and by living it up I mean I was going to rugby practice three times a week and spending the rest of my waking hours in the art building like the little nerd I was. So I guess it’s no surprise that the next girl who I went out with was a teammate, seeing as those were the only ladies I was regularly around. I mean thinking back there were some hot more-than-likely-at-least-a-little-bit-gay girls in my art and design classes, but I have an insane fear of rejection and couldn’t risk asking them out. I just couldn’t. So I settled for the obviously gay and more-than-likely-not-going-to-turn-me-down pool of ladies that was our rugby team. Here’s a hot tip from me to everyone out there in the dating world: sometimes, you put yourself into situations that you know you’re going to succeed in and you call it “game”. It makes you look good and it ups your percentages while also pumping up your ego. You’re welcome.
Shmordan was older than me (sensing a theme yet?), covered in tattoos, had beautiful blue eyes, short hair, and was into hula hooping before it became the hipster craze that it is now. I wouldn’t say she was stunning by any means, years later she would have a pretty hot “i do a lot of coke” aesthetic… but she was incredibly sweet, and she had a dog, which I liked.
It should be noted that she took me on the best date I had been on up until that point in my short little queer dating life. She took me hiking up to a lookout over the city, we went to the botanical gardens, ate tacos, an explored the eclectic thrift shops downtown that are full of costumes, old medical equipment, vintage photographs, and baby doll heads. Yeah, I know that I said that this was the best date that I had ever been on and that what I just described sounds like something out of a horror movie — so I am aware that I might be sending y’all some mixed signals. With all of the weirdness, this date was actually amazing.
I really had zero attraction to her, but I actually enjoyed our time together… now this is where most people would step back and say “we should just be friends” because that’s a normal and acceptable response to enjoying time with a person and not wanting to fuck them. So naturally what I did wasn’t that. Yup, I fucked her. Momma didn’t raise no quitter.
I can’t remember much about our sexual encounter, I think maybe I was drunk but I can’t really remember. I remember that her bed was on the floor of her apartment, she had big boobs and even bigger nipples, but besides that, nothing. I guess that means it could have been better because it also could have been worse. Sometimes unmemorable is a good thing — I mean you could fuck someone and then they reveal to you that they can talk to ghosts on a daily basis. Since the sex was so unforgettable and there was no real chemistry, I did the totally understandable thing and continued to date Shmordan for a couple of weeks. BECAUSE WHY WOULDN’T I DO THAT? One day, I might learn from my mistakes, but this was not that day.
*Next Time on Nobody Scissors I break up with Shmordan in possibly the shittiest way imaginable*