Have you ever been sitting next to a friend at a party, while people are getting drunk around you and thought… why shouldn’t me and this friend have sex? No? Me neither.
Except that’s a total lie because if I didn’t think things like that then this blog wouldn’t exist.
We were at one of many parties at my sophomore year apartment, people were drunk, making out, hooking up, throwing shit (not literal shit) off the balcony, and having a general good time. I was on the couch next to one of my teammates and somehow we both locked eyes at the same time. It was one of those wanna-fuck stares…
…and we both kind of shook our heads and went back to participating in the game of King’s Cup before us. But as the night wound down I couldn’t shake the feeling of why I shouldn’t fuck this teammate. We were both single, both horny, and we liked each other enough to be friends so that’s about all you need to hook up, right?
*Theme music and opening credits play*
This girl on our team, let’s call her, Shmictoria, is one of (if not) the only girl(s) I’ve slept with who was younger than me. She was a former soccer player, with blonde hair, and reminded me of one of my high school best friends. We always got along exceptionally well but I can definitively tell you that I had never EVER thought of her in a sexual way, so this decision to fuck her was definitely spontaneous and definitely only going to happen once.
We found ourselves drunkenly fumbling into my room and falling onto my bed. Soon we were both taking our clothes off and it was like we were playing naked twister, except not in a sexy way. There’s nothing quite like having sex with someone you aren’t exactly sexually attracted to or that you’ve been exceptionally good platonic friends with — you know when your grandma went to kiss you as a kid and she always insisted on kissing you straight on the mouth? Yeah, that’s the only feeling that comes to mind. Nothing is exactly wrong with it, it just makes you a little uncomfortable and you hope no one saw.
“WHAT THE FUCK?!” Shmellen had burst into my room and she was laughing uncontrollably, as she had a view of my bare ass, Shmictoria’s boobs in my face, and my fingers clearly inside of her. Yep, someone just saw me mouth kissing grandma.
Shmictoria and I never spoke about that incident ever again after she quickly put her clothes on and we went about our rugby filled platonic relationship from that point forward. Which I think is what defines a true friendship. We moved forward and left that drunken encounter in the past, exactly where it should’ve been left.
Side note, I know I’ve told these stories as if they’re all one after another… in all reality these last 4 or so women overlapped a little (a lot), but it was super Caz (caj? Casj? short for casual, you get it), at least on my end so I didn’t think much of my juggling act.
The next girl I hooked up with proved to be the most masculine girl I ever ended up fucking, and by most masculine I mean she also had a short haircut. That’s it. I mean you could hardly call her a bro besides the bieber-do. Funny thing is, if you throw me into a club full of lesbians I am immediately drawn to the androgynous girls with great hair and good style, but I never ended up dating them… I guess I was just too intimidated by their swag (do people still say swag?). No, honestly I think I just confused the hell out of the boyish girls I hit on, which is pretty fair.
This girl and I had been friends since high school, she was a year older than me and I was the first person she came out to. This was actually a trend at our high school where the gay athletes would always come out to me because I was the gayest-not-even-out-gay-but- may-as-well-have-been-wearing-a-rainbow-flag-around-my-neck-and-worked-as-professional-U-haul-driver-gay-person at our school.
Her and I had been talking for a few weeks, and she decided to drive up to my college town to see me one night and I knew this would be the night we hooked up. Now, I somehow end up sleeping with the girls that say the weirdest shit in bed, I swear to God. We are mid-fuck and she starts speaking in tongues. And I don’t mean that in a she was enduring so much pleasure that her speech was unintelligible, I mean that in that she was moaning in latin. Or what I think was latin (my only frame of reference being exorcist movies). We weren’t even drunk! This was mid-day afternoon snack sex. I tried to pretend I didn’t notice but she sounded like we were role-playing except I never got my lines, and so I was looking into the camera like I was on the office and pleading for someone to save me. But really, someone needed to save me if the latin thing continued because I had seen way too many scary movies for that shit, and me and God aren’t tight enough for him to do me a solid and not let the Devil come out of this chick and possess me as well.
As we were laying there, post-weird-exorcist sex, I got a Facebook message from a girl I had gone to high school with. I didn’t realize when I opened that message that my dating life was about to take a serious turn… for the better?
*Next week on Nobody Scissors: I said I would never do long distance again but never say never, right?*