The Hills Only Have Eyes For You


Shmennifer and I were happily in love, just 1000 miles away from one another. We spent many a night on skype, sent care packages, wrote letters, and besides that surprise visit didn’t get to see each other all summer long…

Until one day when I got my work schedule (I was working at a retail store at the time) and saw that I had a week off and so I packed a bag, hopped in my jeep, and decided to drive the 12 hours to surprise Shmennifer.

I know — I hate surprises, why did I do this? I mean I know why I did it, what a romantic gesture. Showing up on her doorstep with flowers? That would totally win me points for forever probably.

*Theme music and opening credits play*

It is a little bit reckless to drive by yourself through several states (especially the backwoods of said states when they’re in the south and you’re a very queer looking boyish lesbian), and my parents didn’t even know I had gone. Courtney was the only person who knew where I was, and we were all praying that I could find my way without issue because how could I possibly explain it to anyone if my car decided to break down in Arkansas somewhere?

Somehow I made the drive without incident, Shmennifer even called me while I was driving and I made up some bullshit excuse about doing laundry and needing to hang up — she had no idea whatsoever that I was coming, but she did inform me that her parents were going out of town in the next few days which was perfect seeing as they didn’t know we were dating.

I got to her small town a little after midnight, but my google maps… I’m sorry *ahem* shmoogle shmaps, could not locate her house. I was driving around Shmenn’s neighborhood for nearly an hour before I gave up and called her. She groggily answered the phone.

“What does your house look like?” I asked like a crazy person.
“Huh..?” She replied.
“Your house. What does it look like, or better yet how do I find it from the front of your neighborhood because I’m here and I’ve been driving around forever and can’t find it!” I was beyond frustrated. My romantic gesture was being thwarted right before my eyes.

She gave me directions and came outside and was dumbstruck. “What are you doing here??”
“Well, you see, I was in the neighborhood…”

Now, I hate surprises but I’m all for romantic gestures, and let me tell you, not much compares to the sex that follows an 11 hour drive to surprise a girl you haven’t seen in months. She was pretty thrilled with me, and I was pretty thrilled to sleep with her in my arms for a few days.

Her parents were out of town by the time I got there so we had the whole house to ourselves. We had sex on every surface of that place, I swear to God — well except for her parents’ bed. I’ve never and will never have sex in any parents’ bed, that’s just really gross to me — I was also afraid her big bad Catholic parents would come home and smell the gay on their sheets even after a run through the wash so I wasn’t gonna risk it.

My stay in small-town nowhere USA was pretty uneventful, but apparently not so terrible that I vowed to never go back.

A few weeks later Shmennifer was visiting me again, and again without telling her parents, and we missed her flight back. I literally dropped her off 10 minutes after the flight stopped boarding, it was terrible timing, and Shmenn was all tears. She couldn’t afford to buy another ticket and her parents thought she was out of town with her best friend and would be returning that night.

“I’ll drive you, let’s go.” I said and we literally hauled ass for 11 hours to her parent’s house.

I don’t know if that should win me a “partner of the year” award… okay it totally should have won me partner of the year — it’s not every day that someone drops everything and drives you multiple states home to avoid the wrath of overbearing parents.

During this drive Shmenn and I decided to have “the talk.” And by “the talk” I don’t mean the birds and the bees, I mean the, “how many people have you slept with” talk.

I had slept with quite a few more people than her, but definitely not like an unreasonable amount, though Shmenn did make me feel a little slutty when I revealed my number. And then she wanted names… she was not going to be happy to find out that quite a few of the people I’d slept with were teammates and/or good friends of mine… especially Smashley 2 who she had taken an immediate disliking to when she met her. Wonder why.

We were silent through all of Arkansas as she mulled over my list. She could have simply waited a few years and just gone back and read this blog if she wanted gory details, patience being a virtue and all.

We made it to her parents’ house late that night, Shmenn snuck me in the back door to her bedroom which was downstairs and we decided to keep my presence there a secret until morning. This would have been easy except that she left the back door open as she went to take her makeup off and I sat in a chair barefoot, scrolling through instagram until I felt something slither across my foot. I kid you fucking not that a 4-foot-long black snake slid across my foot and under her bed.

“SHMESUS FUCKING CHRIST!” I screamed and jumped from the chair. Shmenn came running out and I pointed under her bed screaming about the snake. She stuffed me into her closet (I realize the irony here) as she heard her dad come thundering down the stairs to see what the noise was all about.

When he saw the snake he ran from the room and returned with a snow shovel which he then used to corral the snake and sweep it out the back door. Had I not been hiding this would have been pretty hilarious — her dad is like a mix of Guy Fieri and The Most Interesting Man in the World; handsome but big and goofy with a shock of white hair. He’s like a cartoon in that he owns only hawaiian shirts, and seeing him wielding a snow shovel as Shmenn hid behind him was a sight, I’ll tell you.

Things calmed down and her dad went back up to bed, I made my way out of the closet and back to her bed, now mortified of this god forsaken state we were in. I didn’t sleep a wink that night, terrified her dad would come back in and find me in bed with his daughter. As fun as her dad was, he was also a very judgey Catholic dude with strong opinions about the gays and this wasn’t exactly how I’d hoped to meet him.

The next morning Shmenn made some unbelievable excuse about how I was in town for a family reunion (I’ve never been to a family reunion, let alone in small town nowheresville) and asked if I could stay a few days before “leaving to starbucks to pick me up.” So we snuck me out the back to her car, ran to get coffee and came back to meet the fam. They were delighted to have me, as most parents are… until they find out I’m fucking their daughter.

I got along with her parents swimmingly (who says that?) aside from a few hiccups when they asked me my political views and if I had a boyfriend (y’all, I looked like Justin Bieber, there’s no way they thought I was straight, I’m just saying).

I left after about 48 hours, trying not to overstay my welcome, but really dreading my drive back to Texas all alone. Shmenn did end up Skyping me almost the entire way back, occasionally flashing me her DD’s when I seemed to be nodding off to sleep.

I made it home safe and sound, and things were pretty quiet for the rest of the summer. But I will never forget those collective 44 hours spent driving through the “Hills Have Eyes” countryside of the Bible Belt. Nothing cements a relationship more than the fear of backwoods hillbillies and Catholic fathers.

*Next week on nobody scissors: How soon is too soon to rent a U-haul?*


Softie Shmoftie


I opened the facebook message from a “friend” from high school, someone I hadn’t talked to in over 5 years. I say “friend” because we had a few classes together, were teammates on the softball team, but we were never close, and when she had moved away Sophomore year we didn’t stay in touch besides remaining FB friends.

This girl, let’s call her, Shmennifer, sent me this:

Hi, so I know this is random and you’re probably going to read this and thing “Wow, Shmenn is crazy” but I just have to say something… You’re hot. Like so fucking hot. And that’s not eloquent or groundbreaking, but it’s out there. So if you ever want to like, talk, or whatever, I’m interested.

*Theme music and opening credits play*

I was beyond shocked. Shmennifer was not my usual type physically — she was pretty damn girly (most of my ladies thus far had been fairly low-maintenance, toward the middle of the of the road between masc and femme), and curvy. I would learn that I have a really big attraction to curvy women, which for some reason seems like a taboo when it shouldn’t be. Personality wise though she was pretty spot on for what I look for — creative (she was a singer and actress), independent, older than me (only by 6 months… but it still counts!) and left handed (have I mentioned how much I like that?). Also I was shocked because I didn’t know that this girl was gay… well okay, she had ironically dated Shmary 1 back in high school, but I thought that was just some teenage softball sleepover shit, not like permanent lifestyle shit.

My response to Shmennifer was as follows:

I didn’t realize you were still gay… 

Boy do I have a way with the ladies. She sent me back an “LOL” accompanied by her phone number. I may not be smooth but this face really does take me places sometimes, thanks mom and dad!

We began texting immediately, constantly, relentlessly. She lived in the midwest at the time, she had to come back from college because she got diagnosed with Epilepsy during her second year at a dramatic arts school and her parents had asked her to take a year off. She was a little stir crazy in their house, being that she had fled their control at 18 to the city that never sleeps, to pursue an acting career. She was driven and talented beyond belief — to this day I know her name is meant to be up in lights somewhere someday.

The first time we skyped we just looked at each other, not saying anything for over an hour. It was bizarre… not love at first skype, but it was something, alright.

My friends back in college all made fun of me for getting into something long distance again. I was always looking at my phone, tired from all nighters spent on the phone, and I could tell you what every bit of Shmennifer’s body looked like even though I had never touched her. I learned how weird it was to miss someone you had never “met.” I also learned how weird it was to feel as if you had never met someone that you had technically met before.

Soon she planned a surprise visit to me, and let me tell you… I hate surprises. I was drunk when she showed up with Courtney at our apartment. There’s a video somewhere of me just saying “what the fuck?” over and over and sitting on the ground as Shmennifer made her way over to me saying, “I hope that’s a good what the fuck, and not a mad what the fuck.” I just laughed and wrapped my arms around her. I also wondered how the hell she had gotten from midwest bumfuck nowhere to my college apartment. I also wondered how long Courtney and her had been scheming — usually I was 100% on Courtney’s wavelength, so this sort of thing didn’t happen very often. I know that I said that I hate surprises, but I was pretty okay with seeing Shmennifer in person this night. Having a girlfriend solely via Skype was fairly safe and all, but it wasn’t necessarily the most physically rewarding scenario for everyone involved.

The first time we had sex I remember having an anxiety attack as we lay in bed afterwards, Shmennifer looking at me with worried green eyes, “Are you going to break up with me?” I laughed, she didn’t seem reassured. I raised myself up on one elbow and choked out the most feeble “I love you” ever uttered in the history of the world as I realized that I was completely head over heels for this girl. When did I become such a softie??


*Next week on Nobody Scissors, I get to meet the parents, sort of…*