Softie Shmoftie


I opened the facebook message from a “friend” from high school, someone I hadn’t talked to in over 5 years. I say “friend” because we had a few classes together, were teammates on the softball team, but we were never close, and when she had moved away Sophomore year we didn’t stay in touch besides remaining FB friends.

This girl, let’s call her, Shmennifer, sent me this:

Hi, so I know this is random and you’re probably going to read this and thing “Wow, Shmenn is crazy” but I just have to say something… You’re hot. Like so fucking hot. And that’s not eloquent or groundbreaking, but it’s out there. So if you ever want to like, talk, or whatever, I’m interested.

*Theme music and opening credits play*

I was beyond shocked. Shmennifer was not my usual type physically — she was pretty damn girly (most of my ladies thus far had been fairly low-maintenance, toward the middle of the of the road between masc and femme), and curvy. I would learn that I have a really big attraction to curvy women, which for some reason seems like a taboo when it shouldn’t be. Personality wise though she was pretty spot on for what I look for — creative (she was a singer and actress), independent, older than me (only by 6 months… but it still counts!) and left handed (have I mentioned how much I like that?). Also I was shocked because I didn’t know that this girl was gay… well okay, she had ironically dated Shmary 1 back in high school, but I thought that was just some teenage softball sleepover shit, not like permanent lifestyle shit.

My response to Shmennifer was as follows:

I didn’t realize you were still gay… 

Boy do I have a way with the ladies. She sent me back an “LOL” accompanied by her phone number. I may not be smooth but this face really does take me places sometimes, thanks mom and dad!

We began texting immediately, constantly, relentlessly. She lived in the midwest at the time, she had to come back from college because she got diagnosed with Epilepsy during her second year at a dramatic arts school and her parents had asked her to take a year off. She was a little stir crazy in their house, being that she had fled their control at 18 to the city that never sleeps, to pursue an acting career. She was driven and talented beyond belief — to this day I know her name is meant to be up in lights somewhere someday.

The first time we skyped we just looked at each other, not saying anything for over an hour. It was bizarre… not love at first skype, but it was something, alright.

My friends back in college all made fun of me for getting into something long distance again. I was always looking at my phone, tired from all nighters spent on the phone, and I could tell you what every bit of Shmennifer’s body looked like even though I had never touched her. I learned how weird it was to miss someone you had never “met.” I also learned how weird it was to feel as if you had never met someone that you had technically met before.

Soon she planned a surprise visit to me, and let me tell you… I hate surprises. I was drunk when she showed up with Courtney at our apartment. There’s a video somewhere of me just saying “what the fuck?” over and over and sitting on the ground as Shmennifer made her way over to me saying, “I hope that’s a good what the fuck, and not a mad what the fuck.” I just laughed and wrapped my arms around her. I also wondered how the hell she had gotten from midwest bumfuck nowhere to my college apartment. I also wondered how long Courtney and her had been scheming — usually I was 100% on Courtney’s wavelength, so this sort of thing didn’t happen very often. I know that I said that I hate surprises, but I was pretty okay with seeing Shmennifer in person this night. Having a girlfriend solely via Skype was fairly safe and all, but it wasn’t necessarily the most physically rewarding scenario for everyone involved.

The first time we had sex I remember having an anxiety attack as we lay in bed afterwards, Shmennifer looking at me with worried green eyes, “Are you going to break up with me?” I laughed, she didn’t seem reassured. I raised myself up on one elbow and choked out the most feeble “I love you” ever uttered in the history of the world as I realized that I was completely head over heels for this girl. When did I become such a softie??


*Next week on Nobody Scissors, I get to meet the parents, sort of…*


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