The Hills Only Have Eyes For You

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Shmennifer and I were happily in love, just 1000 miles away from one another. We spent many a night on skype, sent care packages, wrote letters, and besides that surprise visit didn’t get to see each other all summer long…

Until one day when I got my work schedule (I was working at a retail store at the time) and saw that I had a week off and so I packed a bag, hopped in my jeep, and decided to drive the 12 hours to surprise Shmennifer.

I know — I hate surprises, why did I do this? I mean I know why I did it, what a romantic gesture. Showing up on her doorstep with flowers? That would totally win me points for forever probably.

*Theme music and opening credits play*

It is a little bit reckless to drive by yourself through several states (especially the backwoods of said states when they’re in the south and you’re a very queer looking boyish lesbian), and my parents didn’t even know I had gone. Courtney was the only person who knew where I was, and we were all praying that I could find my way without issue because how could I possibly explain it to anyone if my car decided to break down in Arkansas somewhere?

Somehow I made the drive without incident, Shmennifer even called me while I was driving and I made up some bullshit excuse about doing laundry and needing to hang up — she had no idea whatsoever that I was coming, but she did inform me that her parents were going out of town in the next few days which was perfect seeing as they didn’t know we were dating.

I got to her small town a little after midnight, but my google maps… I’m sorry *ahem* shmoogle shmaps, could not locate her house. I was driving around Shmenn’s neighborhood for nearly an hour before I gave up and called her. She groggily answered the phone.

“What does your house look like?” I asked like a crazy person.
“Huh..?” She replied.
“Your house. What does it look like, or better yet how do I find it from the front of your neighborhood because I’m here and I’ve been driving around forever and can’t find it!” I was beyond frustrated. My romantic gesture was being thwarted right before my eyes.

She gave me directions and came outside and was dumbstruck. “What are you doing here??”
“Well, you see, I was in the neighborhood…”

Now, I hate surprises but I’m all for romantic gestures, and let me tell you, not much compares to the sex that follows an 11 hour drive to surprise a girl you haven’t seen in months. She was pretty thrilled with me, and I was pretty thrilled to sleep with her in my arms for a few days.

Her parents were out of town by the time I got there so we had the whole house to ourselves. We had sex on every surface of that place, I swear to God — well except for her parents’ bed. I’ve never and will never have sex in any parents’ bed, that’s just really gross to me — I was also afraid her big bad Catholic parents would come home and smell the gay on their sheets even after a run through the wash so I wasn’t gonna risk it.

My stay in small-town nowhere USA was pretty uneventful, but apparently not so terrible that I vowed to never go back.

A few weeks later Shmennifer was visiting me again, and again without telling her parents, and we missed her flight back. I literally dropped her off 10 minutes after the flight stopped boarding, it was terrible timing, and Shmenn was all tears. She couldn’t afford to buy another ticket and her parents thought she was out of town with her best friend and would be returning that night.

“I’ll drive you, let’s go.” I said and we literally hauled ass for 11 hours to her parent’s house.

I don’t know if that should win me a “partner of the year” award… okay it totally should have won me partner of the year — it’s not every day that someone drops everything and drives you multiple states home to avoid the wrath of overbearing parents.

During this drive Shmenn and I decided to have “the talk.” And by “the talk” I don’t mean the birds and the bees, I mean the, “how many people have you slept with” talk.

I had slept with quite a few more people than her, but definitely not like an unreasonable amount, though Shmenn did make me feel a little slutty when I revealed my number. And then she wanted names… she was not going to be happy to find out that quite a few of the people I’d slept with were teammates and/or good friends of mine… especially Smashley 2 who she had taken an immediate disliking to when she met her. Wonder why.

We were silent through all of Arkansas as she mulled over my list. She could have simply waited a few years and just gone back and read this blog if she wanted gory details, patience being a virtue and all.

We made it to her parents’ house late that night, Shmenn snuck me in the back door to her bedroom which was downstairs and we decided to keep my presence there a secret until morning. This would have been easy except that she left the back door open as she went to take her makeup off and I sat in a chair barefoot, scrolling through instagram until I felt something slither across my foot. I kid you fucking not that a 4-foot-long black snake slid across my foot and under her bed.

“SHMESUS FUCKING CHRIST!” I screamed and jumped from the chair. Shmenn came running out and I pointed under her bed screaming about the snake. She stuffed me into her closet (I realize the irony here) as she heard her dad come thundering down the stairs to see what the noise was all about.

When he saw the snake he ran from the room and returned with a snow shovel which he then used to corral the snake and sweep it out the back door. Had I not been hiding this would have been pretty hilarious — her dad is like a mix of Guy Fieri and The Most Interesting Man in the World; handsome but big and goofy with a shock of white hair. He’s like a cartoon in that he owns only hawaiian shirts, and seeing him wielding a snow shovel as Shmenn hid behind him was a sight, I’ll tell you.

Things calmed down and her dad went back up to bed, I made my way out of the closet and back to her bed, now mortified of this god forsaken state we were in. I didn’t sleep a wink that night, terrified her dad would come back in and find me in bed with his daughter. As fun as her dad was, he was also a very judgey Catholic dude with strong opinions about the gays and this wasn’t exactly how I’d hoped to meet him.

The next morning Shmenn made some unbelievable excuse about how I was in town for a family reunion (I’ve never been to a family reunion, let alone in small town nowheresville) and asked if I could stay a few days before “leaving to starbucks to pick me up.” So we snuck me out the back to her car, ran to get coffee and came back to meet the fam. They were delighted to have me, as most parents are… until they find out I’m fucking their daughter.

I got along with her parents swimmingly (who says that?) aside from a few hiccups when they asked me my political views and if I had a boyfriend (y’all, I looked like Justin Bieber, there’s no way they thought I was straight, I’m just saying).

I left after about 48 hours, trying not to overstay my welcome, but really dreading my drive back to Texas all alone. Shmenn did end up Skyping me almost the entire way back, occasionally flashing me her DD’s when I seemed to be nodding off to sleep.

I made it home safe and sound, and things were pretty quiet for the rest of the summer. But I will never forget those collective 44 hours spent driving through the “Hills Have Eyes” countryside of the Bible Belt. Nothing cements a relationship more than the fear of backwoods hillbillies and Catholic fathers.

*Next week on nobody scissors: How soon is too soon to rent a U-haul?*

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