Hell Hath No Fury


I am about to tell you one of my favorite stories from when I was dating Shmenn. I tell this story ALL THE TIME.

Shmenn’s middle name should have been Petty, I mean she makes Tom Petty look like Tom Not-So-Petty if you know what I mean. And honestly it was very hilarious, except when it was directed at me of course.

One time Shmenn, me, Courtney, and her girlfriend at the time decided to hit up a Spurs game, because we love basketball and the girlfriends loved any reason to scream at grown men while eating cotton candy.

After the game was over is when this story really begins… We were in the parking lot, in that usual shitshow that is everyone trying to leave an arena at one time and is a literal look into what Hell must be like.

*Theme music and opening credits play*

It comes to be our turn to merge into the exit line from the parking lot and the joker who knows it’s our turn to come over is refusing to make eye contact and edging his Mercedes SUV closer and closer to the car in front of him, blocking us out. This is when Shmenn and Courtney, the two pettiest bitches I know, without even speaking must have telepathically communicated what was going to come next. Courtney hopped out of the passenger seat and stood right in front of this fucker’s car, arms crossed, the smuggest (most smug? English nerds, weigh in!) grin on her face.

Now I know what you’re thinking — Texas is an open carry state, she could have gotten her ass shot. Additionally she was standing in front of a CAR for god’s sake, and this person could be a homicidal maniac, he didn’t even understand the basic human practice of merging traffic lanes so clearly he was a sociopath. But, you know, we were young and broke so getting hit by a car seemed like a reasonably okay path to put one’s life on.

This guy lost his mind, but I guess not enough to run Courtney over, so we edged our car in front of him as he laid on his horn, flipped us off, and screamed a plethora of obscenities our way. Now, keep in mind this was a middle-aged man, with his wife in the passenger seat, who if he had just let us merge would have been well on his way. Courtney made sure to let the guy know what a stand-up guy he was being by laughing and giving him a retaliatory middle finger (or two). This was when the wife started to get into the mix and rolled down her window to start yelling at Courtney, so she turned on her and yelled something along the lines of “What a winner you’ve got there! But it looks like you two are made for each other!” Before blowing a kiss and running back to the car. Now, this was all very ill-conceived from a planning standpoint because this guy really could have hurt any of us or rammed our car or worse, but we were working with the advantage of driving a WAY shittier car than he was. That’s the key to starting parking lot/road rage fights, always (and I mean ALWAYS) have the shittier vehicle. You want them to know that you wouldn’t give a motherfuck if your car became a casualty in this situation, your car isn’t worth caring about — your car sounds like a lawnmower. BRING IT.

Courtney made her way safely back onto our riding lawnmower, but Shmenn wasn’t done yet. Once we were in line in front of this douchehole, Shmenn put the car in park, rolled down the driver’s side window and waved in EVERY SINGLE CAR in the merge lane. Hundreds of cars, and we were just laughing our asses off. We had nowhere to be, and this guy needed to learn his lesson in basic human decency. He was laying on his horn and throwing even more middle fingers in the air, because apparently he didn’t understand that being a jackass was what had gotten him into this situation in the first place; you catch more flies with honey than vinegar after all.

People were a little confused by our actions, several rolled down their windows asking why we were letting everyone go in front of us.

Shmenn smiled as she waved them on, “This guy behind us is an asshole, so he’s learning a lesson.” At the end of all of the drama and after letting the entire rest of the parking lot out of the crowd before us, we left the scene with a hilarious story about good triumphing over evil (or petty triumphing over douche-baggery) and with at least two new enemies.

*Next Time on Nobody Scissors Shmenn finally comes out to her parents*



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