I have no cue where the keys are


Shmenn came home like she had just found a lost puppy… which basically she had.

“Chris, there’s this helpless, cute little queer who just moved in and we have to take them out for their birthday. They don’t know anyone.” She pouted her lip, she batted her eyelashes, the whole nine yards. Leave it to Shmenn to befriend a new resident on the property she worked at and think it was our job to show them the town.

“Shmenn, I don’t think that this person is going to want us to take them out. They don’t even know us.”
“Oh no, he does. I already told him we are going.” She skipped off and I had no idea what to expect for the evening.

*Theme music and opening credits play*

The night I’m about to describe to you is one of my favorite nights so far in my existence, I remember it like it was yesterday. And by remember it like it was yesterday I mean, I don’t remember much of it at all. But I have the blurry pictures and a stolen cue ball to remember it by. More on that later.

We made it downtown to the Circle, headed into one of the local bars that was located in a basement and allowed you to still smoke inside like it was 1993, and proceeded to play skee ball until this guy showed up.

Sidenote: When I met this person they went by a different name and ID’ed as a lesbian, but for simplicity’s sake we are going to use he/him pronouns and their later (though changed for privacy) name.

In walks a person very similar looking to me. Similar build, androgynous, possibly trans (but definitely pre-testosterone) individual, with a lot of swagger behind a fairly shy looking face.

I distinctly remember the fact that Shmennifer looked enthralled with this person, but also that she turned and hissed at me, “He’s not your new Shmavis, not everyone is uncomfortable with how they are, so don’t go expecting anything out of him.” Looking back that is a SHITTY fucking thing to say to someone, especially a transgender someone. And also, I know a lot of trans people will disagree (you can’t judge a book by their cover, blah blah blah) but you kind of get a feeling when you meet another gender non-conforming individual, certain vibes just roll off of them, your ears perk up, cartoon birds start to sing in the distance.

I wasn’t sure what to say so I just turned to introduce myself, he extended a fairly tattooed arm and said, “Hi, I’m Shmelly.” The rest was history.

We drank so many shots at the bar we began at that we must have consumed all the vodka in that joint, though that didn’t stop us. There were at least a dozen bars in this strip downtown and we were going to show Shmelly every single one of them.

The night comes and goes for me when I think back on it. Like I’m watching a flip book missing a fuckton of pages. I had a particularly vivid memory (and a nasty bruise) of dancing at the only club in town, getting picked up by Shmelly and toppling to the ground in a heap. We laughed our asses off until a bouncer came over and literally told us to “get our shit together” or we would get kicked out. Shmelly left the dancefloor and leaned against a booth before falling right over the back of the seat into the lap of some other patrons and was picked up by the scruff of his neck like a puppy by the man who had just reprimanded us. We both smiled and toddled away, where we were soon joined by Courtney (who had come to be our sober ride home), and I have no clue where Shmenn was but then again this entire night is imaginary to me.

At some point I think me and Shmelly made out, which became a common occurrence in our soon-to-be friendship (spoiler alert), though usually we did so for free drinks at gay bars or to confuse nosy onlookers. We visited a hookah lounge, lost Shmenn’s wallet at said hookah lounge, went to Jimmy Johns (because it’s open freaky late), and then ended our night at this bar called Zenith.

Zenith is … well I don’t know how it is because I’ve never been inside. As we were showing our IDs and Shmelly and Courtney walked on in the bouncer held me up.

“No fucking way is he going in there.” He said to my friends. And then I lost my mind.
“IT’S BECAUSE I’M GAY ISN’T IT?!” (Reminder: I’m still a very much butch lesbian looking individual at this point and also still teetering between my lesbian and trans identities). The bouncer seemed baffled and glanced from me to Shmelly and back to me. Shmelly looked like someone I’d be put in a police lineup with, but with an even gayer buzzed haircut.

“I don’t think that’s it.” Shmelly laughed, and Courtney came back outside of the bar to help Shmenn move me along as I continued to yell about discrimination at the Zenith Bar. At some point I decided that walking was too hard and I laid down on the pavement, right next to a cop car.

Courtney was having none of my shit and pulled a mom, and by that I mean she started counting down from 3 and my ass was upright before she got to 1 because nobody ever wants to find out what happens at the end of one of those countdowns. When we reached the car Courtney asked me for the keys (WHY WAS I IN CHARGE OF THE KEYS YOU ASK?? WHAT AN EXCELLENT QUESTION). I reached into my front pocked and pulled out a cue ball.

*Is that a pool ball in your pocket or do you just have a really round engorged penis?*

“What the fuck is that and where are the keys?” Courtney was pissed.
“That’s not mine.” I said confidently, as if someone had framed me, or as if I was any teenager ever found with weed that was definitely theirs.

Courtney and Shmenn left me on the sidewalk with Shmelly as they retraced our steps in search of the keys. They eventually found them (inside Jimmy Johns) and we were headed home. After we dropped Shmelly off (which was at the apartment building next to ours) I do have a vague recollection of one-eyed texting him, “I understand if you never wanna hang out with us again. What a shit show.”

*Next time on Nobody Scissors, turns our Shmelly did want to hang out again.*


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